(This article was first published in December 2008 Metta Center email newsletter.)
In a recent personal EFT session, I connected to a deep part of me that was so anguished because she couldn't find what she has been looking for on Earth. This part connected me to a felt-sense memory of sweet and total abiding love, a place where I felt like I had melted into the gentle bosom of the Universe. It was a glorious and wonderful feeling. My conscious and adult self recognized it as Home to me, even though this was not how my childhood home felt. Somehow, I remembered that this is the blissful place I came from, and I realized that this is where I go to when I find my alignment with Source. But strangely to me, it seemed that this deep part of me wasn't aware that I had learned to find my way Home quite often. It was as if she had not been connected to me as I grew up spiritually.
This part showed me that she was tired of looking. She trusted my soul, and was expecting to find Home, heaven, unconditional love or god on Earth, and she hadn't! She felt homesick. She showed me that she was yearning to go Home. I felt a great wave of disappointment, grief and a deep sense of defeat. Tears just rolled down my cheeks as my heart opened up to this deeper part with profound compassion. I recognized how difficult it must be for this part to keep her faith in my soul, to keep believing that there is Go(o)d in this world and to keep looking for heaven on Earth. I understood that she was done searching.
As the sadness eased, a new thought came through, as if my angels planted a seed of possibility in me: "What if I am what I have been looking for?" A light-bulb suddenly went off. Whoa...What if I am the unconditional love, god, and heaven I have been seeking in the world all this time? No wonder I hadn't found it, because I had been looking at the wrong places. I had been looking outside of me. The unconditional love, god and heaven I seek on this planet are inside of me!
This part of me and I were both stunned by the enormity of the realization. I felt exhilarated and liberated. And... lonely. I sat with all those feelings for a while, allowing this new knowing to integrate gently into my psyche.
Then today, as I was contemplating a tooth-ache -- yes, there's wisdom even in tooth-aches! -- I had realization after realization. One of them was that fear of rejection is an indicator of a desire for deep and total acceptance. Somehow, we believe that we will be safer if we are accepted (loved) by a lot of people. Many people, including me, have been looking outside to others for acceptance. We deeply yearn to be accepted as who we are and we hope, nay, sometimes we expect, that others do it for us. We don't (or won't) trust our own wise-whispers that we have always been acceptable, loveable and worthy no matter what. Haven't we realized yet that, after many trials, not everyone can, and not everyone wants to, meet our hopes and expectations that they completely accept and love us as who we are?
So often we look around and outside of us to find the acceptance, appreciation, approval and love that we want. What if the unconditional, deep abiding love that we seek is in us already, and is us? What if we are that gift we have been looking all over the world to find?
When I chewed on this (see the connection with the toothache, now?) it was clear to me that rejections and disappointments teach this: acceptance is an inside job, and unconditional love is to be found within ourselves first! Heaven on earth begins within!
I thanked this deep part of me for letting me know how strongly and unequivocally she wished to be Home and, thus, showed me clearly my powerful desire to find Home here on Earth. Just becoming aware of this deep and true desire was so healing already. It had brought me to a deeper clarity for the Home that I wanted to create in this space-time. I contemplated some more about me being what I have been looking for. As I surrendered to this invitation from my Spirit, I knew that it was the beginning of a deeper healing for me. I felt peace permeate every fiber of my being. It felt good to be Home.
"And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." ~ T.S. Elliot